Death and Defense
by Ms.Walruso
Summary: Light is intentionally ooc by telling the truth in chapter 1. sorry if that bothers you. Young not-hero Light Yagami joins the TF2 team. JUSTICE! (I hated death note because it should have been a black comedy, which this is.)
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Japonium

Japonium is an elemental opposite of Australiam. It causes those exposed to it to become weak and feeble, and to make not shi**y food.

It is the reason that Japan is such a terrible country.

Young Light Yagami was bored out of his head. His teacher repeated information he was sure he knew 3 times better than his other classmates. It was really a bore, this semester. "Perhaps I could have some fun if I went to that gun shop down the street..." Light thought as he stared out the window. Wait, what was that black book that had fallen from the sky?

Thankfully, that class was last period, and Light decided to pick up the book that had fallen from the sky "Strange." He thought. "Why does this inscription read How to make delicious spaghetti ?" Light's english skills were in fact worse than he liked to believe, just like his grades in every subject. In fact, the only reason Light was still in school was because the teachers were scared he would shoot it up if he was forced to leave, just like he did to his pet cat when he was 9.

Light went up home into his room to read the spaghetti cook book, and read the instructions that stated that he would have to write down the name of someone who he wanted to make spaghetti, then the time, and the way he wanted them to make the spaghetti.

Light noticed his Tv had a cook show called "Cooking With Saxton Hale: Japanese hippy edition"

"Hello, you disgusting Japanese perverts, and this is cooking with Saxton Hale! Today, we will make one of your stupid Japanese inventions, the Fortune Cookie!" Light cringed. Wasn't this the man who had set up one of the best Italian resturants in the world? Yes, it was. Famous Chef and CEO of Mann Co., who had provided his television, Saxton Hale.

Surely he could make a good spaghetti. Light wrote down "Saxton Hale, Time: 3:00pm, Makes spaghetti with meatballs."

Suddenly, Saxton Hale's heart exploded. He was still alive, and proceeded to make the beforehand spaghetti recipe, but would only be able to hit a person 1 mile instead of 67 for the rest of his life.

Light was stunned. Perhaps this not only made people cook delicious spaghetti, but it would explode their hearts!

"Surely it must just be coincidence!" Light considered. He decided to test that theory with his sister, Sayu.

"Hey! Sayu! Wanna cook spaghetti?" Light yelled. His sister bolted into the room. "What's the game, Light?" She said.

Light then proceeded to pull out a little black notebook with the words 'Death Note' upon them. "Light, I-" Sayu was interrupted. Her english was 11 times better than Light's, but because his parents wanted him to think he was the smart one, he still thought he was better at english than her.

"Light! That says Dea-" Sayu's heart exploded.

Light was horrified. This couldn't have been. There was going to be no spaghetti! OH GOD!

However, a thought raced across Light's head. Perhaps he could use this to eliminate the economically poor and assert himself as the glorious ruler of the world! He didn't know why he would do that, but he decided he would also get rid of criminals in part of the equation.

He flipped to the news. Light Yagami, Age 17 and 10 months. Convicted of murdering his sister, with the police on the way. "HAHAHAHA Light! Die!" He furiously scrabbled the man's name into the death note with passionate devotion in a few millisecond. He had finally killed this desperate and economically disadvantaged man! Light then noticed a little bit of an unpleasant feeling. Oh, that thing called a heart has horribly exploded, except it hadn't, because he didn't actually have one.

However, he felt his legs move, and he began to make delicious al-dente pasta without his intent. In the kitchen, he saw an entire row of police, all of whom who had-

Light's mom began shooting an assault rifle into the men's eyes. She felt the sastisfying rattling of the rifle as their eyes flipped over into white. She would do anything to protect her son.

"Mom! I love you!" Light joyfully cried, as he cried tears of joy. At that point Light remember he had a heart. An exceedingly small one, and he would at best lose one of his fingers, but still.

"Mom... I have to tell you something..." Light nervously said "Honey, are you gay? If so, we were all expecting that..." Sochi said understandingly. "No, I'm on a mission to kill all the poor people so I can assert myself as a ruler of the planet." Light admitted.

"Honey, that's great! Can I help?" Sochi warmly said. "Yes, mom, I find some weird book that kills all the name we write in it. I can tear you out some pieces of paper..." "Good! I've been looking to kill a middle-class salesman that comes to our house way too often!" Light's mom spurted in amusement.

"Hello! Sochi! I'm home!" Soichiro said. "Hey there, Mr. Policeman! Did you get any cases today?" "Well, Our son..."

 **SCHEET!**

Light's dad dropped dead on the floor. "Eh, mom! Use the murder book, not the Deagle!" I'm sorry, I just really like guns!" Sochi smiled.


	2. Go out, young Light

Chapter 2: Go out, young light.

"Mom... You just killed dad. You know that means we don't have any income?" Light said in realization "Eh, we can live off the remaining money for about a year or so!" She casually said. "I'm also sort of a wanted criminal for first degree murder.."

"Actually, Light, I heard of this mercenary group! You could avoid the law and get the family money." Light's mom said. "Ya, well it's basically just me and you and sniffles the pug here now." Light said as sniffles evilly jumped on him. "eh, they didn't matter that much. We certainly didn't like em, right Light?" "DAMN STRAIGHT!"

Light walked down to the Kyoto Blu recruitment center, killing anyone in shabby clothes along the way.

"So here I am! The genuine Blu recruitment center!" Light thought, looking up at the board he saw.

"Should be easy, After all, I am carrying my little murder book!"

The building itself was heavily dipiliated. Mr. Saxton Hale clearly did not have much respect for Japan and it showed. Light was pretty sure the place still had asbestos, and the ceiling had half-caved in on itself. That didn't matter for our young not-hero, because he had a goal and a means to it!

"Hello, Pixey! An old man said in a low voice. Not pleased by light's heavily androgynous face, he pushed the boy alongside into the training center. Suddenly, an old woman speaking very poor Japanese could be heard on stereos. "Hello, Japanese recruits, we will be testing you for skill. Either you die, or will move onto the next level, Nips."

Suddenly, a door opened with several other people in line. Light was third to front.

"Hello, Old man-chan!" the first contestent said. She was a young, petite woman, with a frame of likely less that 5 feet, with very exploititave and stupid looking clothing. "Yeah, bitch, what's your power?" The grumpy man with a smoke in his hand said. "Well, I'm a sexually attractive and submissive pop star who is intended to be able to be used in any way people request! I have no personality of my own, and exist only to server others!" The fake blonde said. "eh, next!" The man said as he cracked her neck.

"My name is Kazito Takeshi! I am an honorable warrior with a dark and mysterious past! I was born in the village of Haziton, but it was destroyed by the hostile attacts by the fajitas, strange creatures of old! I barely escaped with my life! But I trained, and with friends, I plan to take back my town and save the world from the evil fajitas!" "Yeah, and what can ya do?" "Uhh... I've gone through training, and have the ability to take on many foes! With my super justu skills, I can defeat any enemy!" "NEXT!" the man said as he dropped the kid into an endless hole. "NO YOU NEED TO HEAR THE REST OF MY BACKSTORY! I THOUGHT THIS HAD TO GO ON FOR 200 PLUS EPISODE PLUS 3 OVA's, Snacks, 3ds covers, Tumblr fandoms, and a light novel spin-off! NOOOO...!"

"Yeah, and you pixie, what do you do?" "Uh, well I'm Light Yagami, and I'm better than everyone else." "Yeah, and what do you do?" "I can kill anyone I have the name and face off. Per instance, what's your name, sir?" "Uhh... Jin Taboki?" Jin's heart instantly burst into pieces. "I LIKE YOUR STUFF KID! AHHH! ONTO THE BATTFIELD WITH YOU!" he screamed.

Light joyfully walked up to the next level. Oh boy, a plane just for him! He read a fact on the top saying that only 0.01% of troops got this far. He would be flown over to the Americas, to fight with enemies for 40,000 yen a day!

As light stepped into the plane, he made one last call to say goodbye to his mom and began his journey to the other side of the world.

"Mom, I made it." he said happily.

"Good job, honey! I managed to kill that salesman and his family too! I even hid the bodies! Wish you good luck overseas!." She said. Light hanged up. This was a new chapter in his life.


End file.
